When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I had to face everything alone.
Going through the challenging first trimester of my pregnancy, I was alone.
Hearing her first heathy heartbeat, I was alone. When I felt her kick and move for the first time, I was alone.
Those 9 months of carrying my child, I was alone. I never had someone with me during my check ups, I was always alone (or sometimes with our house help). Going through labor, well, I have to be alone.
When I gave birth and heard her first cry, I was alone. When I first held her in my arms, I was alone celebrating that certain moment, which I consider as the happiest moment of my life (to date). I don't have anyone to race with, on who she gets to call first because it will always be "mama".
All the problems that I went through in the succeeding years, not just physically but mentally and yes financially, I went through it alone. I never had a confidant, someone to decide with me how to raise my child. No one to support or disagree with my decisions for her.
My child is about to turn 3 in a few months, and the first 4 years of my life with her, was full of bliss. And those are challenging moments of bliss. Celebrating her first steps, teaching her things that does matter, "when you fall, dust yourself off and stand up again", "Always say please and thank you." "Its always the little things that matters most" I was alone.
No I never was physically alone, but in emotional sense, yes I was very much alone. Not that I regret my decision, I don't. But i sometimes wonder what it feels like to still have someone. Someone to tell what my child's daily milestones are, someone who would discipline my child with me, someone who can actually be with me, with us.
With that, I know that I will always wonder.
